SO I got an email from my high school boyfriend (HSBF) last night.  Yup, we still talk… not often but every so often we drop each other a line.  He emailed me to tell me he heard this song that reminded him of me and if I hadn’t heard it, then I should have.  It is “Oh No” by Marina and the Diamonds.  I hadn’t heard it so I have been You Tubing my brains out to the catchy little ditty whose video is just as quirky and colorful as the image you see above.  (here’s the video link-

Getting this song got me thinking about (to quote the lyrics) “exactly who I am and who I want to be.”  I’ll be frank with you, dear reader, I’ve been a little down in the dumps the past few days.  I think I’m still coming off that buzz of busy-ness.  I really do love being busy.  It seems to validate something in me that nothing else can.  But what got me thinking was the source of which I became aware of this song…. I’ve been out of high school for nearly 20 years.  I can’t believe it’s that long.  And honestly I think while in high school, I was probably the least jaded and looked at the world through the most romanticized idealistic lens.  It was pretty clear to me then that I was taking on the artistic career path and I surely had no qualms in admitting that I wanted to be the “starving artist.”  It was so glamorously tragic and I, of course, thought it was the only way to be.  So off I went to art school…. and I loved every minute of it.  The HSBF, by the way, was off to film school to chase his own dream.

Somewhere along the way, I changed my mind about the “starving” part of “starving artist.”  I did quite well in art school.  I met wonderful people and actually won some respect from my professors.  I decided that I won’t have to starve and was anticipating much success upon graduating!   I was afterall graduating near the top of my class, and courted by some of the best grad schools to attend.  But I had some health issues and needed to hold off a bit- never worried about the starving thing.  But then well, the post- graduation disorientation began.  I needed a studio.  I needed supplies.  I needed tools.  I needed a place to live.  Oh and I needed a job??!!  I landed one as a studio assistant in Philly for 5 bucks an hour.  It really wasn’t the life I expected.  I seemed to think that people would just know that I’m great and I should sell work and make a beautiful living exhibiting and living the bohemian lifestyle.  The reality is that my studio assistant job barely paid the rent and I got two additional jobs at a store and a coffee shop to make ends meet.  Perhaps this was when I jumped from my cloud of idealism.  I applied to grad school and the rest is history.

Marina says “I know exactly who I am and who I want to be.” but she begs ”I just wanna change.”  And yeah, I guess that’s true of me too.  I certainly am looking to abandon that “starving artist” bullshit and yes, well, this song seems to suggest the vapidness the drive for success causes.  And although it’s tongue in cheek- I freaked out a bit when I realized that  I fall victim to the tunnel vision that is created in “career making.”  Yet, I struggle with seeing how it’s somewhat neccessary in such a competitive field.  Sad but true.

Now, 20 years later- I’m trying to work my way out of the “self fulfilling prophecy” I created in high school.  The past few days I have laid around a bit and felt sorry for myself while being turned down for some opportunities that I’ve applied for.  I’m not going to lie, I need some of those opportunities to happen otherwise starving artist, it is…… but I also do not want to be the satirical robot Marina suggests.  It’s again- looking for that balance.  On top of it, I can fall into emotional slumps quite easy too so another challenge is to remain positive and open for new opportunity to happen.  New opportunity does not come while laying on the couch watching HGTV.  New opportunity comes when picking yourself up by the bootstraps (with a little encouragement from A) and making new things happen (and taking breaks to watch HGTV while actually eating a home cooked meal).

I don’t think HSBF was insulting me by sending the video to me.  I know he wasn’t.  I think it was more of an understanding (and the fact that I would love her sound).  Afterall he did succeed in the film industry, winning an Oscar before the age of 30, but all of this at the expense of the other things in life that are precious and important.  I think it was more of the universe sneaking me a reminder that one’s career isn’t everything.  It can be a lot of you but there are other things there can never be a monetary value for.  The cool thing is HSBF didn’t know I was down.  He also didn’t know I’ve been sweating my money thing and feeling the financial crunch.  Honestly I hadn’t talked to him since last spring.  I wanted to point that out because it was such a validation that there are no coincidences.  Marina is just the thing I needed to hear and for some reason, it made me feel better.

]]> http://blog.heathersincavage.com/2010/09/08/marina-says/feed/ 0 http://blog.heathersincavage.com/2010/09/04/albatross/ http://blog.heathersincavage.com/2010/09/04/albatross/#comments Sat, 04 Sep 2010 14:01:38 +0000 heather http://blog.heathersincavage.com/?p=747

How in the world is it already September 4?  I simply cannot figure out where the time has been ticking away to.  To bring you up to speed- I found a new apartment and gave it one thorough facelift; I finally moved my apartment out of ‘gunshot alley’ last weekend; I’m still unpacking; school started; I put up my More Serious Business Installation; and dismantled the piece in the Baum School show…… and for some reason since I have moved, the coffee I make doesn’t taste the same.  Eek.

I apologize, dear reader, that I rattled off a laundry list of “how busy I am.”  I know that everyone is busy and I am not special when it comes to that.  There aren’t really excuses for that- I simply am still battling my demons of balance.  I get that I somewhat thrive on hectic. I actually think many artists do, whether they admit it to you or not.  I don’t really like that about myself but I understand where it comes from and I do think it is somewhat of a cultural thing.  I didn’t really hear people brag about their busy-ness while I was in Spain.  Actually, the family I stayed with near the end of my trip had a member who worked very long hours and it seemed more of a annoyance than a badge of honor.  But I do think that we Americans love to feel industrious and feel validation in the time we block off.  It makes us feel important.  I’m not really sure if that’s necessarily a good thing.  I don’t really love it for myself but I almost feel like it’s a necessary evil…. or at least my subconscious does.  I know down time can be a stressor.  I feel like when I am not using my time in a productive manner then I am wasting it when I should be working harder.  I mean I haven’t achieved many of the goals I’ve set out for myself and I certainly am not accomplishing them while watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey, right?

And the inner turmoil ensues…… a girl cannot be all work and still remain productive but why are the breaks not as valued as much as the work?  I guess one may never know! All that said, it’s something I struggle with.

So anyway….. last night More Serious Business opened at the NCC Fowler Center.  It was stifling thick air, lots of people, and maybe not enough wine.  But incredibly fun, even if just to say hello to some of my colleagues and reconnect with friends.  My piece seemed to be a bit hidden away in what was deemed the “Party Room.”  That’s ok, I guess, but after I blathered on about the ridiculous “busy-ness” of the past two weeks, getting this piece there was not exception so I felt like I wanted to not be so tucked away then, and of course I wanted feedback.  What can you do?  The party room made it really difficult for that to happen since it was incredibly loud and really hard to talk to anyone and hear them, even while screaming.

My piece is called ‘albatross.’  It’s not the piece I originally intended to do in the space but it is a concept I have been dragging around for probably nearly 12 years.  I’m glad it has taken this long to realize itself because my first conception of it was rather literal.  I guess there is no harm to every revisiting a pice but for some reason, it never felt right enough to get it off the ground.

Those of you who know me know I adore classic literature.  And for those of you who have seen me do my artist talk know I speak of my high school British Lit teacher and the profound influence that course had on me (and how I finally felt as if I was not an idiot when it came to understanding metaphorical writing).  During that year, required reading includes a segment on 19th c Romantic poetry- one being the “Rime of the Ancient Mariner.”  I guess it always was a rather visceral response I had with that poem and as I have gotten older, (don’t laugh) I honestly can feel the weight of stress in my body.  Being that I have been so affected by the clock, time passing, even my age- this seemed to be the time to develop this idea.  It really isn’t about one thing specifically- it’s more about that physical effect of the emotional toll.  Furthermore, that may be wrapped up in the “societal expectations of identity” bow that I work within.

Things I’m loving about the new piece:  how the weight is felt in the floor elements.  The charr on the wood, the displacement on the floor, the “anchor” of the mortar stone.  I adore how it came off.  I love the layering in the wall piece and I adore the image I began with.  The discovery of what acrylic tar can do!

Things I am reworking as soon as it gets to my studio: bringing back the image.  I abstracted it too much and it seems to be lost to many.  It’s needed for the context of the piece.  And I need more layering of the paint/tar/sugar.  The tar looks a bit like semen to me.  That’s ok but it may be a little too sexually charged for me…. this is my own observation.  No one really said anything to me about it.  Who knows.

I think it’s actually kind of fun to get some space like this from the new work.  I mean, it’s new new.  Really new.  Not even architect’s daughter new.  Brand new(ish) concept new.  I need new.  Architect’s daughter can burn me out because it’s so totally labor intensive .  I still have plenty to develop there but I’m psyched to be working up this new ‘albatross’ series.  I think it may be what I take to Texas next year!  So much to do….. and 3000 square feet of space to fill.  Wow!

For those of you who never read the Rime of the Ancient Mariner- here is the wikilink. http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Rime_of_the_Ancient_Mariner_(1817)
(and check back within the next few days for subsequent posts- I’m going to post some images of colleagues work in the MSB show.  It was so fun to see everyone there!)

So if that isn’t enough, this week also marks the debut of my profile on InLiquid.com.  I’m pretty psyched about it.  I was juried into the organization earlier this summer and now they have my profile ready for viewing.  Check it out and while you’re at it, check out some of the other Philly artists that are represented there.  It’s the “go to” site for all that is artful and happening in Philadelphia.

Here’s the link (I’m sure you’ve seen my work before but really, check out the site.  Lots of incredible on there!)  http://www.inliquid.com/artist/sincavage_heather/sincavage.php

And if you haven’t had enough of me yet, I also went global this week with the Saatchi Online Gallery  http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk/yourgallery/artist_profile//124780.html

Finally, More Serious Business opens next week at the NCC Fowler Center in Southside Bethlehem.  It’s 50+ regional artists who basically had free run over an expansive wing of the building.  I couldn’t be more excited to be a part of it however I couldn’t be more behind on my work!!  I dawdled way too long in sketches and now I’m kicking myself.  I’m really excited about the piece and have my fingers and toes crossed that I won’t have to dig out old work to show instead of the new piece.  I have been saving this amazing photograph of my sister for just the right piece and now I think I have it!  I can’t wait to take it to fruition!!  So come to the opening!!  It’s going to be a great time and well, you’ll probably see a lot of people who’s names you recognize… or at least, you should recognize!  Cool, right?

Here’s that link…. http://www.northampton.edu/Northampton-NOW/More-Serious-Business-Art-Exhibit.htm

SO dear reader, I need to bid you adieu for the evening… sadly, I am dropping into my night owl ways of yore and will need to soon condition myself to getting to bed at a decent hour.  Alas, school starts next week and I’m still waiting to get to the beach this summer.  Sad for me, indeed!!

I am making a pact with you to update you more frequently as to the goings on in my studio as well as the sites I take in.  I guarantee you that I will have much to report in the near future as I have many projects a-brewin’!

What has been really fun has been to 100% re-connect with the studio. It has been something I have been battling for the summer thus far and hunkering down into  dedicated time and focus is the refreshment I needed.  I never really recognized how hard it was to readjust to my space after working outside of it for so long.  And, I anticipate, I should figure it out because I love the idea of working on-site installations whether it be just down the street from the studio or across the country or even around the world.  These are goals I have.

But what is a day in the life of my studio- well, I typically need to come with coffee in hand.  I decided last week that I need to drink less coffee and while I sat at work teaching, my colleague Brian noticed I didn’t have my typical silver carafe.  He asked if I was feeling ok and I explained that I’m trying to quit coffee.  That morning of class went fairly well.  During my four hour class, I will usually drink 2.5 cups.  After class, I will then go refill with a Starbucks Venti Americano after having 1.5 cups of coffee with lunch.  The Americano will get me through the rest of studio time and then I will get home and sometimes make another pot and drink 2 more cups.  If I ice my coffee, forget about it.  I’ll have a minimum of 3 more.

So when Brian noticed no carafe, I didn’t really anticipate what I was in for.  If you are following along, by that time, I would have had my 2 morning cups.  I felt ok and while not really thinking anything about it, I was off to the studio.  I get there and an inkling of head discomfort ensues.  While trying to focus on the tasks for the day, a splitting headache crushes every ounce of energy I had and I leave and go home and take a nap… for three hours.  And if you read my last post, I’m not a nap taker.  I woke up and didn’t have any headache relief.  And now I know, I truly have a problem.  So I went back to bed and hoped the next day would be a clean slate.  It wasn’t.  My headache was even worse… and I had slept in until nearly 11am!

What have I learned by this:  I can’t give up coffee.  It is perhaps my lifeforce.  So now I am working on drinking less.  It’s hard.  Today I have only had one cup so far but I am looking forward to my next cup.  I just love it.

The next thing in my typical day at the studio is to select the right music.  My studio is a community center.  It’s actually a pretty cool set up.  It reminds me so much of grad school where we had our own little rooms of our own making.  Sidenote: I saw Laurie Anderson at Zoellner when it opened and she had this brilliant segment where she talks of art school.  She likens the studios to something similar to an insane asylum.  The inhabitants are industriously working away at ideas that are of the utmost importance to them singularly- one person in one room differs from an entire building of that energy.  It’s pretty humorous- probably because it’s so true.  So the BF is just the same.  We all have our rooms of our our own making.  The beginning of the summer I redid mine because I could barely move in it anymore.  It’s pictured above in all it’s splendor :)

There is a slight downside to our studio community.  We have open tops, meaning our walls don’t go all the way to the ceiling.  I get why they did that.  It could get pretty claustrophobic pretty fast but when you are looking forward to the perfect studio day, one typically is looking forward to their own entertainment.  What I am politely implying is that it doesn’t always work out.  My studio neighbor and I have differing tastes and somedays are chock full of jaunty spanish music and Michael Bolton.  I’m not sure the connection but it happens.  Even with headphones, if I am able to block out the music, I am NOT able to block out the emphatic singing along.  All the power to him… he must be pretty happy.

So you ask, if I have been in the scenario before, wouldn’t I have run into the same problem?  Well, I guess I have been lucky.  We all tended to like similar music which made it a fun exchange.  I will continue to envy Adriano’s closed top studio where community music choices are never an issue.

The final component to the perfect studio day are my slippers.  I seem to favor coming in and changing my shoes.  If it were cleaner (and not full of wood shavings), I would probably walk around in my socks but the perfect remedy is the goofy slippers.  Since I have moved into the BF, I have had a number of pairs which often I will duct tape together to lengthen their life span.  But recently I went and bought two more girly pairs of slippers…. we’re not talking the slippers that look like you are wearing a stuffed animal, just little slippers…. that someday will make their way onto the castings of my feet that I did a number of years ago- it usually freaks people out or they think it’s funny.  I guess it depends on their sense of humor.  For those of you not humored, get a life.

And what is the point of laying out my day for all of you to imagine- well, for any of you who like to play “heather for a day,”  you have all the information you need to play dress up.  I will recommend outfitting your self in out paint/glue stained jeans and a glue coated shirt or sweatshirt…. yes, I do change my clothes too.  The past few weeks (aside from the coffee purge days) have been chock full of days like this.  They are my favorite days.  I made this painting, “Accumulated Meditation” that is now being installed at the Baum School for an exhibit.  I’m excited to see it on display.  It was maddening but I love the result.

I’m now switching my attention to an off site installation.  Check out my crazy space……

Pretty rough, right?  I cannot wait to get my hands on it.  I’m still completing sketches but will be thrilled to update you as it comes to life!  More to come, I promise!!

I have a problem with naps- I really try to take them, especially when needed yet it will take me a  r e a l l y  long time to settle time to settle into one and once I’m in, I’ll sleep a few hours and need to wake up again like it’s the first thing in the morning.  This is the place where I write you from…. I tried to lay down and take a nap but I do not want to sleep the day away.  I am however feeling so dangerously tired that the studio isn’t a good idea.  AND on top of it, I’m trying to severely cut back my coffee habit.  This is day one.  I am perhaps working my way towards slap happy.

When I was in college, I never slept.  Ever.  My roommate called me at the studio to catch up and see how I am.  My friends at the studio would send me home to shower.  My best friend, Jess, couldn’t help to stare at the grease accumulating in my hair…. when it got to that point, I knew it was time to have downtime.  It was, in fact, the 90s and the grunge movement was in full swing so a little bit of grease went a long way.  I’m not proud of my scuzzbucket years but I am proud of that work ethic.  It was something I had to get used to when I started teaching- I remember Jess saying that I could not expect to have a classroom of students willing to go balls to the wall like I did (She did too.  It was so much fun to have a partner in crime).  But when it happens, it really is great to recognize a little bit of myself in them.

But post BFA- I got a severe case of MONO and I never have been the same since.  There’s a lesson in that, I’m sure and I think it’s all about balance and acceptance.  I’ve gotten so much better about it and maybe in some cases, I’m just too good.  I have been working on not being all work, all the time.  I know that’s the place I go when stressed and often time when I say I’m going home to work, I end up here on the computer researching a project or funding opportunities, or exhibits to apply to.  It’s been challenging to be ok with relaxing.  I can easily beat myself up about a movie day in front of the tv.  It’s hard to allow myself time to relax.  All in all, when everything else seems to fall off, I find comfort in working.

So the studio recently has been a lovely haven of mania.  I am back at it with another Architect’s Daughter.  This may be the most ambitious of all- perhaps not in size but in trussed density.  It feels good to work on this one (although burnout rate is 2.5 hours max and then I need to move onto to something else).  I don’t know what it is about me that enjoys compulsive, borderline obsessive, work.  I love to knit and I do many commissions that involve mosaic….. (check out the most recent project http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmqjoJtlp18 and don’t mind about how hot I looked.  It was over 90 degrees during the project but I digress).

I guess it could relate back to sleeping- I seem to find comfort in working.  I feel good about it.  And I often think I need to work harder (like now).  Why is that?  Perhaps the sense of accomplishment it brings.  Perhaps it’s the thing that I know for certain will always be there.  Perhaps it’s because I am not where I think I should be yet.  That’s a hard pill to swallow as I try to allow myself to accept that where I am in exactly where I need to be.

ps. I know the blog posts have slowed down however I’m working on upping my profile in the social networking world.  I will still be a dedicated blogger but if you want up the the minute knowledge of what I am doing RIGHT NOW, follow me on Twitter or maybe even friend me on Facebook.  I’m sure I will be talking about things in addition to the studio, like cupcakes and butterflies.  As I get more advanced, I can’t wait to Twitpic with up to the second studio progress and all things lovely.  Wouldn’t you like to know about that?

Well peeps, It’s been a hectic few weeks and I type to you now with cut up arms and hands and grout underneath my fingernails.  You see, readers, I have been sweating it out for the past almost 3 weeks mosaic-ing large concrete planters to permanently adorn 7th Street in Allentown.  This grueling commission rustled up 15 kids from the ages of 11 to 15 and included a trusty team of daily volunteers (mostly rounded up by my trusty assistant, Kelly) to complete the task at hand.  I am proud to report that the planters are complete and moving to the forever homes tomorrow.  I’ll post pictures as soon as I have some…. it seems grout and cameras don’t mix.

Other news is that last Friday I debuted a new installation entitled ‘A pendulum swings’ at First Friday (pictured above).  A week ago today, was the beginning of my long stint of “all work and no sleep.”  Although the installation had some issues (what installation doesn’t), I felt like I was in the Creative Olympics where I had to just figure out how to pull things together, especially with extremely limited funds and time to execute the piece.  All in all, it was a *very* new approach that I am about 85% happy with.  The nice thing is that in situations like this where I am trying a new approach- Banana Factory is happy to be the incubation place.  And for that 15% that I know could be better- well, there’s always next time and now I know.  I gearing up for a huge fancy sparkly installation for the ‘More Serious Business’ Exhibit that opens in September.  I have to get my game on because this show is pretty fancy pants.  Lots of hardcore artists are a part of it and I am honored to be included.  More to come on that as it gets closer….

But the BIGGEST news is that “Architect’s Daughter” is out on vacation with “Beside Her.”  After building one of the biggest boxes known to man, they are visiting Waco, Texas as a part of the exhibition, “Self” at the Croft Art Gallery.  I was so thrilled to be a part of the show.  It was curated by Aaron Sacco, animator for Linklater’s ‘A Scanner Darkly” and sponsored by the Friends of Jung Society.  OK- so after all that name dropping, here’s the really big news….. Architect’s Daughter won Best in Show!  I’m saving up to fly to Waco next year for my solo show.  Check them out (www.croftartgallery.com)…. it looks like a *gorgeous* space.  And if you are reading from Waco, maybe you should tell me how gorgeous it is!!  I couldn’t be more jazzed!!

Also in new news, I was juried into InLiquid, a non-profit organization in Philadelphia.  This is a networking site that is primarily the goto site for galleries, curators and other artists in the region.  I’m super psyched to be a part of it.  It sponsors many of the the happening and innovative shows of our region.  I am READY to show there so bring it, Philly.

So there you go, folks….. I feel like there could be a little spark igniting and that’s not just the heat outside :)

Maira Kalman- click to view her TED talk.

I came home tonight to finish the last grant I have to write for now but I was sidetracked with TED talks.   If you don’t already know, TED talks are wonderful 20 minute lectures given by scientists, artists of all kinds, technological entrepreneurs, business people etc. typically about aspects of creativity.  If you haven’t seen them, you should check them out.  I just watched one given by Maira Kalman.  She is a New Yorker illustrator and a self professed dreamer.

I think what I truly love from this lecture was the statement that “she doesn’t know anything.”  She went to college to be a writer (however did much knitting).  She began to draw on the whim of “how hard can it be.”  What I love about artmaking is that really…. how hard is it?  I think I can easily rattle around a studio and make pretty things and be done with it.  It’s not hard but I do find that I can make it hard.  Really hard.  I think often we can get in our own way.  She suggests the more you know, the more restricted you become.  There is a sense of truth in that.  Like I’ve said in the past, I’m a trained metalsmith…. perhaps I should suggest that I am a recovering metalsmith.  I often would dismiss ideas that I couldn’t  convey in metal.  Seems strange but for a long time I thought that way and it only took the possibility of not being able to make ANYTHING to snap out of it.  Kalman doesn’t suggest to drop out of school and run from education- I think Kalman’s point is to lose the boundaries we place on ourselves.  We can learn from more than school- allow life things to inform what we do professionally as well and to not pat myself on the back too much, I do think I am professional at that.

I have talked with Karla about this in the past.  I have felt that I have spent much of my post-metalsmith career “catching up” with my colleagues.  I sometimes feel I should have a wider vocabulary, keener eye.  I always think I should be better.  What I love about her talk is that one should value not knowing anything.  Not knowing anything allows you to be the most creative.  But I think what this really is about is the “bogging down” that we do.  People often dismiss understanding art.  They are intimidated by the gallery atomosphere and are mystified by the visual vocabulary.  And often it’s very simple and rather accessible if one just gets out of their own way to see it.  There is a common thread here and it’s outside of the “training” one has to make art.  It is a means of communication one human to another.  It’s as simple as that.  And often time I believe I get into the studio and I bog myself down with what I am doing there.  When really, how could I not know?  It’s as simple as I sit here and write and I don’t need to overthink it (as I have been lately).

Kalman asks “how do we know when we are ourselves?  How do we know that is true?”  Huge question.  And she takes us around a humorous string of visual thoughts informed by her heritage and education.  Surely that informs us however can we really say that is who we are?  We can wander down that road and stop there (and many do) but many know there is more to us than that.  So when do we know….

Creativity, I think, is a clue.  One can’t be taught creativity- one can either invite it to flourish or repress that it’s there.  We can talk ourselves out of anything.  We can make excuses about “why” we can’t do it (we don’t know how, we don’t understand, we don’t have time, we don’t have what we need).  But I think allowing creativity is the key to knowing ourselves.

She simply states “Ich habe genug (From a Bach cantata- she translates this, so watch the link)…. I happen to be alive.  End of discussion.”

PS.  I also watched a talk given by Gary Vaynerchuk and despite the f bombed soaked ‘do what you love’ theme- I would like to quote him when he professed what it takes to succeed: “If you love smurfs, smurf it up!”  That and “Domino’s Pizza, bring back the Noid.”
Heather Fun fact #52.  My first job was as a phone girl for Domino’s Pizza and for extra money, I dressed up as the Noid for birthday parties and publicity events.   Yup, red spandex.

But the dvd Karen lent me was called “Who does she think she is?”  It chronicles 6 artists and interviews a number of curators and authors about women in contemporary art.  When I first started watching it, I was afraid it was going to be hokey, “find your inner goddess” stuff but I sunk into it and found that many of the women depicted have had similar experiences as myself.  I think I mentioned during this past fall when I saw Judy Chicago, that she made a strong statement that women artists “can’t have it all.”  This is a statement that many women, when hearing it, felt rather conflicted about.  Her statement was directed towards being a mother and being taken seriously as an artist.  I guess perceptions are a funny thing.  And so much rides on the image we create of ourselves….. I remember in grad school, we were told that if you want a career as an artist never EVER take a job as an art teacher below college.  Thank god, I never have wanted to do that (aside from community programs that are fun to do from time to time).  But I remember this statement so clearly that it would be “career suicide” as one professor put it.  They implied that being an art teacher will discredit your as a professor and a professional artist.  So there you go- this piece of advice was always a non-issue…. aside from my former inlaws dismay that I do not having a regular paycheck and benefits.  While I would like those things, I certainly like MORE living on my own terms- teaching who I chose and continuing my studio practice.  I think the bigger message here is that part of the game is all about perception.

Anyway…. perceptions aside, i would recommend watching this documentary as a great primer and realistic view of the female challenges of “making it.”  Not only are women under represented in every major museum around the world (less than 13% of museum collections nationwide are women; and of the MOMA’s 399 objects in their permanent collection, 19 are by women…. and yet the majority of students enrolled in MFA programs nationwide are women), women are additionally faced with societal expectations. The subtext of this dvd packaging is “A woman has to choose.  What if she didn’t?”  What if?  My experiences for my short time on this earth is that many people find pursuing my career as selfish, myopic even.  And many ask, “Don’t I want a family?  Don’t I want to be married again?”  and I often feel uncomfortable about these questions…. like what is wrong with me.  As I watched the dvd, one of the artists claimed her husband always accused her that art came first then him.  She confessed that she loved him more than anything and that art is just part of being- two different things.  Yet, her husband left her and sued her for full custody of her three children.  Her career was centered on selling work, therefore unpredictable but she was resourceful and unapologetic about it.  And still, her ex-husband sued her yearly for a plethora of things, seemingly draining her of her financial resources.  And she still made work, because it was all a part of being.  I can relate to that (even though I unfortunately seem disconnected from my work right now).  I think that when you are creative, it’s not necessarily a choice, it’s just something that happens.  My grandmother would sew all through the night- not because she had to, but I think because she couldn’t help herself.

Another aspect of choices is something I have observed with my friends in relationships while working in their career is responsibility.  I watched many of my friends split from their partners while I was in grad school.  They say grad school is a divorce maker for married couples.  I did witness that- long hours, partner feels abandoned and looks for emotional support elsewhere.  My friend made it through grad school only to find out that her husband had been having an affair that continued after she graduated and landed her tenure track job.  She is now divorced.  In this documentary, one of the women also handles a divorce as a result of her pursuit of her career.  Sometimes I’m bitter about circumstances like these.  I mean, I think many relationships really need to earnestly examine a fair displacement of domestic responsibility.  Gone are the days where households can function on one income where the woman can happily explore her domestic goddess-ness.  But I truly think these conventions still stick around.  And I think it’s so alarming for me because I watched my parents negotiate my mother’s pursuit of her career as a non-traditional student for many years.  And it was just normal that we all shared the responsibilities of a household while for the most part, my mother was not the one who happily cooked us dinner like most households.  Actually, she doesn’t even like to cook and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  My observation though is that as a society “old habits die hard”- and I still see many women expected to fulfill ‘women’s work’ while maintaining a career.  And may I be so brazen to say that women are building a career while swimming upstream or while (100 years after the suffrage movement) recognition for what they do is still slim.  Have you realized that many female artists are/were childless?  Judy Chicago spoke to this specifically when I saw her speak.  She actually made it a decision to not be a mother.  She said for her to be taken seriously, she had to.  I sometimes wonder if that is really still true…..  It seems hard for me to believe but then I see how some of my friends children exhaust them.

While in grad school, I was brow beaten to take a stance as  a Feminist.  I denied it for a long time and I sometimes am not sure about the term, as it comes with so much stigma.  But I guess it’s safe to say that my feelings reside with that equality.  It’s safe to say that I guess I never thought about it so much because really, I was raised with that equality.  I have always been around an even disbursal of responsibility.  It’s part of my upbringing.

If you want to check out this dvd and some of the artists that are a part of the dvd, here’s the link: www.whodoesshethinksheis.net

You devout readers are probably wondering where I’ve been….. well, look not further.  Last week, I was basking in the Florida sun without any sight of a tar ball!  It was a beautiful week and quite honestly readers, I didn’t think about the studio, shows, sketchbooks, or grant proposals like I thought I would.  I was lost in a frilly novel allowing myself downtime- something that usually gives me twinges of anxiety.

And after settling back into life in PA, I’m back in the studio sorting through marks, tears, and coiled threads.  I am still trying to chalk this process up to the powers that be for me to make sense of it.  So many times, I am happy to switch my focus and bounce right back into the studio, only to abandon ideas I had while I was too busy to make them.  I think the good ideas are the ones that wait it out until I am ready for some saturated work time.  As I’ve mentioned in the past few posts, I’m in a transition time.  I hate transitions.  They are the hardest times to have.  I think the last big one was while I was in Vermont (which by the way, my super cool VT studio neighbor, Tamara Albaitis debuted her rebuilt website the other day- www.burnthebox.org).  If you were a reader of my blog way back when, you will know how gut wrenching my VT residency was.  Tamara talked me off many ledges and had wise perspective as to what I was actually accomplishing while I was there….. and if you weren’t a reader back then well, take my word for it- I was a mess.  But the great thing about being a mess there- after a concentrated month, I was able to come home, process what just happened to me and a few months later, I busted out the studies that became “Architect’s Daughter.”  So right now, I am trying to not even point myself toward the ledge (I have a third floor studio after all :) and allow this time to be a time to try out the new things.  Quick update- the balloons you saw in the last posting are still sitting there….. I’m afraid they are a victim to a fleeting thought.

Over the past few years I think I have had a bad perspective about approach and process.  I think I have always done well with a solid (or almost solid) plan when I begin a piece.  I thought that was the only way to go.  And on the other hand, I have also found that entering into a piece without clear vision or intent is also really dicey.  So the thing I am beginning to accept as part of the process is studies.  That sounds like an absolutely stupid realization to have at this point of my studio practice but it’s true.  I was interviewed a few years ago and one thing the interviewer picked up on was materiality in my work.  What I use isn’t as important than the effect it creates and that effect can’t really be flushed through without material studies.  During First Fridays, the MOST ASKED question I get is “how did I come up with sugar?”  The viewers interest is typically one of earnest amazement and I am grateful for that but sugar in my work has no other reason except as a means to an end for a visual problem I had.  And this would never be accomplished without studies.  So right now is study time.  Not my favorite (especially with First Friday around the corner) but I know it’s all part of the job.

And the other wonderful observation I’m acknowledging is that I can’t make the present work without the work I have already made.  I realize many ore even most artists are like that but I know my work especially builds on the last.  So how does that not become this weird amorphous blob of a collection.  I proclaim my collections/series as determined by their prominent mark.  So negotiating the marks to converse nicely with each other is somewhat of becoming a translator of a language you don’t really know.  Writing that right now reminds me of being a stranger in a strange land- someone I was last year at this time, while in Spain (can you believe that was a year ago!)

PS.  ”Architect’s Daughter” and “Beside Her” are being shipped out to Waco, Texas for an exhibit entitled “Self” at the Croft Art Gallery.  I’m so psyched!  The show is based on Jungian theory and sponsored by the Friends of Jung Society.  Who knew there would be a show out there tailor made for moi!

Yesterday was my first official day back at the studio.  Yup, my brand spanking new studio- beautifully arranged complete with a new plant.  I got in there ready to work through some ideas I have had the last few weeks.  And these last few weeks I was itching to get in there and make this work.  I should have known better- especially as I described it to Kelly on Friday and I wasn’t seeing the clear picture anymore.  I sat down at my table and started to sort out my ideas visually and the thought of doing one more truss/scaffold-y work thing was so daunting.  I do have some ideas on how to apply that mark in ways I haven’t yet and I think it’s a statement I would like to make and perhaps that statement isn’t the one right now.  Or maybe it was that I couldn’t focus over the Enya playing next door when all I wanted to hear was my own music- but that is the challenge to having a studio in a community space.

So I sat down and I drew.  And everything I drew was contrary to the truss work, in fact it was ovular.  So I found some balloons in my studio and began blowing them up to act as cheap paper molds.  I think before I really go any further with this thought, I need to think about it more but I do treat this idea as having an idea.  And I feel comfort in the fact that I have something to work with and I know myself well enough to know that while I work, things start to make sense- so I guess I am doing a little exercise on how to get back into the swing of things and make sense of the forms or marks that have come to me.

In addition, I gave myself a summer assignment.  Actually this is an assignment I give my students so that they develop variations on an idea throughout the semester and work on their sketchbook practice.  I call it the ‘precious object project’ which is a sketchbook assignment.  I’m doing it this summer however instead of my student assignment of filling 5 pages a week in the book- I am filling 2 pages a day until the end of Labor Day.  And if you are lucky enough…. I will show you a few things along the way.  The theme is: self portrait.  I bought a sweet little 6×6 square sketchbook with a cute orange cover to dedicate to this.  I love that I found it.  It’s so cute.