SO I got an email from my high school boyfriend (HSBF) last night.  Yup, we still talk… not often but every so often we drop each other a line.  He emailed me to tell me he heard this song that reminded him of me and if I hadn’t heard it, then I should have.  It is “Oh No” by Marina and the Diamonds.  I hadn’t heard it so I have been You Tubing my brains out to the catchy little ditty whose video is just as quirky and colorful as the image you see above.  (here’s the video link-

Getting this song got me thinking about (to quote the lyrics) “exactly who I am and who I want to be.”  I’ll be frank with you, dear reader, I’ve been a little down in the dumps the past few days.  I think I’m still coming off that buzz of busy-ness.  I really do love being busy.  It seems to validate something in me that nothing else can.  But what got me thinking was the source of which I became aware of this song…. I’ve been out of high school for nearly 20 years.  I can’t believe it’s that long.  And honestly I think while in high school, I was probably the least jaded and looked at the world through the most romanticized idealistic lens.  It was pretty clear to me then that I was taking on the artistic career path and I surely had no qualms in admitting that I wanted to be the “starving artist.”  It was so glamorously tragic and I, of course, thought it was the only way to be.  So off I went to art school…. and I loved every minute of it.  The HSBF, by the way, was off to film school to chase his own dream.

Somewhere along the way, I changed my mind about the “starving” part of “starving artist.”  I did quite well in art school.  I met wonderful people and actually won some respect from my professors.  I decided that I won’t have to starve and was anticipating much success upon graduating!   I was afterall graduating near the top of my class, and courted by some of the best grad schools to attend.  But I had some health issues and needed to hold off a bit- never worried about the starving thing.  But then well, the post- graduation disorientation began.  I needed a studio.  I needed supplies.  I needed tools.  I needed a place to live.  Oh and I needed a job??!!  I landed one as a studio assistant in Philly for 5 bucks an hour.  It really wasn’t the life I expected.  I seemed to think that people would just know that I’m great and I should sell work and make a beautiful living exhibiting and living the bohemian lifestyle.  The reality is that my studio assistant job barely paid the rent and I got two additional jobs at a store and a coffee shop to make ends meet.  Perhaps this was when I jumped from my cloud of idealism.  I applied to grad school and the rest is history.

Marina says “I know exactly who I am and who I want to be.” but she begs ”I just wanna change.”  And yeah, I guess that’s true of me too.  I certainly am looking to abandon that “starving artist” bullshit and yes, well, this song seems to suggest the vapidness the drive for success causes.  And although it’s tongue in cheek- I freaked out a bit when I realized that  I fall victim to the tunnel vision that is created in “career making.”  Yet, I struggle with seeing how it’s somewhat neccessary in such a competitive field.  Sad but true.

Now, 20 years later- I’m trying to work my way out of the “self fulfilling prophecy” I created in high school.  The past few days I have laid around a bit and felt sorry for myself while being turned down for some opportunities that I’ve applied for.  I’m not going to lie, I need some of those opportunities to happen otherwise starving artist, it is…… but I also do not want to be the satirical robot Marina suggests.  It’s again- looking for that balance.  On top of it, I can fall into emotional slumps quite easy too so another challenge is to remain positive and open for new opportunity to happen.  New opportunity does not come while laying on the couch watching HGTV.  New opportunity comes when picking yourself up by the bootstraps (with a little encouragement from A) and making new things happen (and taking breaks to watch HGTV while actually eating a home cooked meal).

I don’t think HSBF was insulting me by sending the video to me.  I know he wasn’t.  I think it was more of an understanding (and the fact that I would love her sound).  Afterall he did succeed in the film industry, winning an Oscar before the age of 30, but all of this at the expense of the other things in life that are precious and important.  I think it was more of the universe sneaking me a reminder that one’s career isn’t everything.  It can be a lot of you but there are other things there can never be a monetary value for.  The cool thing is HSBF didn’t know I was down.  He also didn’t know I’ve been sweating my money thing and feeling the financial crunch.  Honestly I hadn’t talked to him since last spring.  I wanted to point that out because it was such a validation that there are no coincidences.  Marina is just the thing I needed to hear and for some reason, it made me feel better.