It’s been a hectic past few days here at the homestead…. grades are done; First Friday done; Mother’s Day done (complete with an Iggy surprise!).  I have been wanting to write for a few days- topic rather amorphous but I think I can string it together into something to share with your today.

I have thinking so much about how I think about who I am and the perception of who I am.  I will be frank with you- I had my last day at school last week- a wonderful group of students came to see me off  on my last day when I was supposed to be cleaning out my office and then a few of the same students showered me with gifts in my studio during First Friday and left me cards that honestly are the most flattering and endearing words someone can utter….. and then I step outside myself and think “wait, this is written to ME.  She felt this way about ME.”  I also had beautiful emails written to me after my last class by many of my students that I had this year.  It’s truly unreal.

I think then about some of the other validations I have had in my life- Lily  and her depiction that I fly the world in a helicopter teaching old kids how to draw bananas; some of the most generous letters written on my behalf during my failed job search- and yet I also have weird little perceptions that people make about me by viewing my artwork alone.  A friend once told me that a friend of his confessed that my work has intense and dark.  I often have people remark in my studio that I must have great dreams or do some great drugs, or must be really messed up.  Another comment I often get is that “You just look so happy- how can this work come from you?”

I am happy, very happy in fact.  That doesn’t mean that I’m not confused or disappointed about certain aspects of my life, but that is absolutely natural.  I think my work operates in this vicinity of questions and answers.  And the questions I ask, are perhaps questions that some people do not want face- or they just don’t care to ask and that’s ok, they don’t have to (but I’d prefer not to be judged because I do ask them).

I have thought a lot about why I teach.  My students know that teaching wasn’t really a natural fit for me and what they don’t know is how hard I need to work at it to be able to do it.  It’s one thing to know information- it’s another to convey it in a way they understand and yet another to get them interested about it.  All of this while not throwing up (HA!).  But the biggest lesson that is never formally addressed in my class is that I am trying to allow them to begin to see who they are and how they fit into this world.  I try very very hard never make assumptions about what they should be doing and be a catalyst for them to figure out what they want.  I know I am not definitive sometimes with answers and I know I allow them to mess up and sometimes it’s a trick for me to know how deep I should allow them to get in…. and I see them reap the benefits.

With this many facets my life has, I think it’s important to acknowledge that the roles I am a part of are all very much me and we all are a three ring circus of emotional negotiations but the best we can do is to make decisions we best know how to make at the time.  And perhaps own it and not look back.

Why am I writing this- perhaps this is what I wanted to say the last night of classes to my cherished group of students.  Perhaps I am sorting out how I feel about this transitional time.  Perhaps I need to just see how the ripple effect is working.  It’s probably all of those things- I need to hear and understand them as I set out to make the best of things.

ps.  The above image was taken by Lydia Panas for her new series, “Falling from Grace.”  www.lydiapanas.com