“I believe that one of the pernicious lies that has been told to your generation is that one can ‘have it all.’ Although I can’t explain how I knew it, I always knew that this was not possible. [When] I looked to history, I discovered that those women who had achieved at the level at which I had set my sights had been childless and those that were not had suffered constant guilt at not being able to meet the demands of both their work and their children.”   -Judy Chicago

I was talking to my friend, Karla, today about career and life direction.  Karla is one of my dearest friends who is attending UMASS for her MFA.  (She has a blog.  Check her out- kstingerstein.wordpress.com).  We had a very short conversation regarding the next steps in my professional career.  She forwarded the Judy Chicago quote that begins this entry.  We had talked about this quote before in another context and she had relayed that this was an excerpt from a lecture she had given at Smith College a few years ago.  She was boo-ed for this comment by the audience however, I believe this is something that should not be dismissed.

To know me, you probably know that I have pretty much been someone with the eye on the prize- my career.  And without intending to be too personal, my career has been the criticism of many of my personal relationships as well as a contributor to the downfall of my marriage.  It sometimes makes me wonder- can I have it all?  Is Judy right?

I am someone who, for as long as I can remember, has wanted to be an artist and I have worked for it.  Art has been there: when friends have faded away; through times where I have not been geographically close to my family; when romantic relationships have fallen apart.  It has been my constant companion and something I trust, believe in, and can rely on the most.  It is utterly and completely mine.

…And quite honestly, that statement freaks me out and the realization of being, in fact, married to art isn’t necessarily my favorite, even though it is a lifelong friend.

So really, is it true that we can’t have it all?  I don’t know.  The events in my life seem to point that direction.  The observations Judy has made points in that direction.  Even watching my friends who are new parents or newly married shift their focus seems to validate Judy’s claim.  UGH!  It’s a bit disheartening.

It comes back to choices and what you want most from life.  I am steadfast that one does not define themselves by career.  But I do not define making art as just a career- it’s a driving force, and as cliche as it sounds, it’s a passion.  However “making it” seems to require a ridiculous amount of dedication, networking, cashing in on favors, financial sacrifice, research, and grass roots type of organization…. in addition to the studio time, on top of making a living.  I am a one woman operation (aside from the vast written editing and input Adriano generously does for me).  My friend Lara and I used to joke about going home from our jobs so we could work on our career.  It’s a truth.

I’m finally on my semester break and am intending on spending it in the studio working on my installation for March.  I also have substantial list of curators to write, jobs to apply for, and website organization (can’t wait to debut my new site!).  However- Christmas is next week.  I am normally a freak about it.  I love to bake cookies and decorate a tree.  I’m not all work- nor do I desire to be but sometimes when I think of the holidays and that future of holidays to come, art takes a bit of a back seat.  I don’t want to be just art.  I want to have the tree and open gifts with loved ones but what does that look like?  Will I be a “guest” to everyone else’s home Christmases all my life?

I write this not for you to cry for me.  I am quite happy with my life, despite some occasional pains of loneliness and questions of “is this really it?”  There are those times where I feel like it’s not necessarily a balanced existence.

Am I saying the clock is ticking?  I don’t think so.  I’ve not been particularly interested in the conventional lifestyle- I’ve been married once and don’t really wish to revisit that unless it is absolutely right.  Kids- well, if it happens, it happens.  In the meantime, I love being an aunt to Iggy.  My point is that if life offers me this route- I don’t think it’s bad to take it and I would hope it doesn’t mean “the big compromise.”  Is that idealistic?  Maybe.  But there are many ways to maneuver our paths.

Perhaps that requires us to define what “having it all” really means. Obviously, my career is a huge component for that but filling in the rest is still up for negotiation.