There are those points in time where you need a little push.  Sometimes it comes in a deadline, sometimes an epiphany, and sometimes in a shifted perspective.  I think I may be at one of those points where I hope and need a little push.

I’m going to be frank with you.  In the studio, my work has been floundering about and I have been otherwise focused on grading or hunting down people around my Evolving Archetype event at Lehigh (shameless plug: happening all through March- you’ll want to see it.  I promise).

So I’ve had a hard time focusing and pretty much avoid my studio even though I spend time in the building.  It’s like ignoring the elephant in the room.  And now, I am creating a tangled mess of embarassment, regrets, mental blocks, and anxiety. How does one work out of that?

I think about my students right now at finals time… they don’t sleep, eat, and some even whine a lot.  I’ve been known to do my fair share of all of that in the past and in fact, was a disgusting mess much through my upper class man years at Tyler.  I do wear that somewhat as a badge of honor and am proud that I was able to work my way through pretty much everything when in school (or know enough to ditch the garbage). But now as a young professional who is not as young as she used to be and cannot function on little sleep nor can get away with presenting myself as a scrambled, smelly, greasy mess while at work, I now struggle with a how to undo floundering.

This leads me to inspiration.  Do people I look up to like Anselm Kiefer, Kiki Smith, or Robert ParkeHarrison flounder?  They must!  I cannot imagine anyone who doesn’t.  I witness it in my classes and hear my colleagues sheepishly confess.  I’m not sure why there is embarrassment to the struggle.  But I know that to admit here, in a public forum, that I am not as great as I hope other people would think I am does evoke a pain of embarrassment. And I witness other artists getting ready for First Friday where they arrange their rooms and shame their lesser than canvases to face the wall.    It’s like a secret we keep from non-artists that we don’t always get it right OR that it doesn’t always come easy.  And the fact that this happens doesn’t make us lesser than and certainly doesn’t mean we “suck” like we often will dismiss ourselves to be.

So what do I do… 1. accept the struggle; 2. take everything in baby steps; 3. but don’t stop working.  I know I need to keep looking, researching, experimenting, and pushing.  Falling dormant doesn’t solve anything… I’m afraid I am teetering in a dormant studio stage.  OK- now i create a to-do list: first, to complete grading my brains out this weekend and laying this semester to rest.  Second, rest up so this old lady can spend some late nights on my March installation.  In the meantime, I’ll feed my thoughts with the brilliance of my idols and the wisdom of cherished colleagues… who I know at times struggle as much as I do.