Well, I’ve been somewhat guilty of neglecting you readers but may I confess, it has not been because of my lack of admiration  and gratitude toward you all.  I am in the midst of moving and renovating (well maybe more like a thorough face lift) my new digs.  I couldn’t be more excited about the move and let me just say- the new place is gorgeous!  But I don’t write you to drone on about house colors and cabinet hardware- I have a few things to catch you up on.  One is the lovely new article that just came out about me in InQ this quarter.  InQ is the beautiful magazine that ArtsQuest puts out about all their fabulous happenings and aren’t I lucky to be listed amongst the fabulous!  Here’s the lovely little article about moi and my responsibility there as the Lehigh Liason.

So if that isn’t enough, this week also marks the debut of my profile on InLiquid.com.  I’m pretty psyched about it.  I was juried into the organization earlier this summer and now they have my profile ready for viewing.  Check it out and while you’re at it, check out some of the other Philly artists that are represented there.  It’s the “go to” site for all that is artful and happening in Philadelphia.

Here’s the link (I’m sure you’ve seen my work before but really, check out the site.  Lots of incredible on there!)  http://www.inliquid.com/artist/sincavage_heather/sincavage.php

And if you haven’t had enough of me yet, I also went global this week with the Saatchi Online Gallery  http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk/yourgallery/artist_profile//124780.html

Finally, More Serious Business opens next week at the NCC Fowler Center in Southside Bethlehem.  It’s 50+ regional artists who basically had free run over an expansive wing of the building.  I couldn’t be more excited to be a part of it however I couldn’t be more behind on my work!!  I dawdled way too long in sketches and now I’m kicking myself.  I’m really excited about the piece and have my fingers and toes crossed that I won’t have to dig out old work to show instead of the new piece.  I have been saving this amazing photograph of my sister for just the right piece and now I think I have it!  I can’t wait to take it to fruition!!  So come to the opening!!  It’s going to be a great time and well, you’ll probably see a lot of people who’s names you recognize… or at least, you should recognize!  Cool, right?

Here’s that link…. http://www.northampton.edu/Northampton-NOW/More-Serious-Business-Art-Exhibit.htm

SO dear reader, I need to bid you adieu for the evening… sadly, I am dropping into my night owl ways of yore and will need to soon condition myself to getting to bed at a decent hour.  Alas, school starts next week and I’m still waiting to get to the beach this summer.  Sad for me, indeed!!

I am making a pact with you to update you more frequently as to the goings on in my studio as well as the sites I take in.  I guarantee you that I will have much to report in the near future as I have many projects a-brewin’!

What has been really fun has been to 100% re-connect with the studio. It has been something I have been battling for the summer thus far and hunkering down into  dedicated time and focus is the refreshment I needed.  I never really recognized how hard it was to readjust to my space after working outside of it for so long.  And, I anticipate, I should figure it out because I love the idea of working on-site installations whether it be just down the street from the studio or across the country or even around the world.  These are goals I have.

But what is a day in the life of my studio- well, I typically need to come with coffee in hand.  I decided last week that I need to drink less coffee and while I sat at work teaching, my colleague Brian noticed I didn’t have my typical silver carafe.  He asked if I was feeling ok and I explained that I’m trying to quit coffee.  That morning of class went fairly well.  During my four hour class, I will usually drink 2.5 cups.  After class, I will then go refill with a Starbucks Venti Americano after having 1.5 cups of coffee with lunch.  The Americano will get me through the rest of studio time and then I will get home and sometimes make another pot and drink 2 more cups.  If I ice my coffee, forget about it.  I’ll have a minimum of 3 more.

So when Brian noticed no carafe, I didn’t really anticipate what I was in for.  If you are following along, by that time, I would have had my 2 morning cups.  I felt ok and while not really thinking anything about it, I was off to the studio.  I get there and an inkling of head discomfort ensues.  While trying to focus on the tasks for the day, a splitting headache crushes every ounce of energy I had and I leave and go home and take a nap… for three hours.  And if you read my last post, I’m not a nap taker.  I woke up and didn’t have any headache relief.  And now I know, I truly have a problem.  So I went back to bed and hoped the next day would be a clean slate.  It wasn’t.  My headache was even worse… and I had slept in until nearly 11am!

What have I learned by this:  I can’t give up coffee.  It is perhaps my lifeforce.  So now I am working on drinking less.  It’s hard.  Today I have only had one cup so far but I am looking forward to my next cup.  I just love it.

The next thing in my typical day at the studio is to select the right music.  My studio is a community center.  It’s actually a pretty cool set up.  It reminds me so much of grad school where we had our own little rooms of our own making.  Sidenote: I saw Laurie Anderson at Zoellner when it opened and she had this brilliant segment where she talks of art school.  She likens the studios to something similar to an insane asylum.  The inhabitants are industriously working away at ideas that are of the utmost importance to them singularly- one person in one room differs from an entire building of that energy.  It’s pretty humorous- probably because it’s so true.  So the BF is just the same.  We all have our rooms of our our own making.  The beginning of the summer I redid mine because I could barely move in it anymore.  It’s pictured above in all it’s splendor :)

There is a slight downside to our studio community.  We have open tops, meaning our walls don’t go all the way to the ceiling.  I get why they did that.  It could get pretty claustrophobic pretty fast but when you are looking forward to the perfect studio day, one typically is looking forward to their own entertainment.  What I am politely implying is that it doesn’t always work out.  My studio neighbor and I have differing tastes and somedays are chock full of jaunty spanish music and Michael Bolton.  I’m not sure the connection but it happens.  Even with headphones, if I am able to block out the music, I am NOT able to block out the emphatic singing along.  All the power to him… he must be pretty happy.

So you ask, if I have been in the scenario before, wouldn’t I have run into the same problem?  Well, I guess I have been lucky.  We all tended to like similar music which made it a fun exchange.  I will continue to envy Adriano’s closed top studio where community music choices are never an issue.

The final component to the perfect studio day are my slippers.  I seem to favor coming in and changing my shoes.  If it were cleaner (and not full of wood shavings), I would probably walk around in my socks but the perfect remedy is the goofy slippers.  Since I have moved into the BF, I have had a number of pairs which often I will duct tape together to lengthen their life span.  But recently I went and bought two more girly pairs of slippers…. we’re not talking the slippers that look like you are wearing a stuffed animal, just little slippers…. that someday will make their way onto the castings of my feet that I did a number of years ago- it usually freaks people out or they think it’s funny.  I guess it depends on their sense of humor.  For those of you not humored, get a life.

And what is the point of laying out my day for all of you to imagine- well, for any of you who like to play “heather for a day,”  you have all the information you need to play dress up.  I will recommend outfitting your self in out paint/glue stained jeans and a glue coated shirt or sweatshirt…. yes, I do change my clothes too.  The past few weeks (aside from the coffee purge days) have been chock full of days like this.  They are my favorite days.  I made this painting, “Accumulated Meditation” that is now being installed at the Baum School for an exhibit.  I’m excited to see it on display.  It was maddening but I love the result.

I’m now switching my attention to an off site installation.  Check out my crazy space……

Pretty rough, right?  I cannot wait to get my hands on it.  I’m still completing sketches but will be thrilled to update you as it comes to life!  More to come, I promise!!

I have a problem with naps- I really try to take them, especially when needed yet it will take me a  r e a l l y  long time to settle time to settle into one and once I’m in, I’ll sleep a few hours and need to wake up again like it’s the first thing in the morning.  This is the place where I write you from…. I tried to lay down and take a nap but I do not want to sleep the day away.  I am however feeling so dangerously tired that the studio isn’t a good idea.  AND on top of it, I’m trying to severely cut back my coffee habit.  This is day one.  I am perhaps working my way towards slap happy.

When I was in college, I never slept.  Ever.  My roommate called me at the studio to catch up and see how I am.  My friends at the studio would send me home to shower.  My best friend, Jess, couldn’t help to stare at the grease accumulating in my hair…. when it got to that point, I knew it was time to have downtime.  It was, in fact, the 90s and the grunge movement was in full swing so a little bit of grease went a long way.  I’m not proud of my scuzzbucket years but I am proud of that work ethic.  It was something I had to get used to when I started teaching- I remember Jess saying that I could not expect to have a classroom of students willing to go balls to the wall like I did (She did too.  It was so much fun to have a partner in crime).  But when it happens, it really is great to recognize a little bit of myself in them.

But post BFA- I got a severe case of MONO and I never have been the same since.  There’s a lesson in that, I’m sure and I think it’s all about balance and acceptance.  I’ve gotten so much better about it and maybe in some cases, I’m just too good.  I have been working on not being all work, all the time.  I know that’s the place I go when stressed and often time when I say I’m going home to work, I end up here on the computer researching a project or funding opportunities, or exhibits to apply to.  It’s been challenging to be ok with relaxing.  I can easily beat myself up about a movie day in front of the tv.  It’s hard to allow myself time to relax.  All in all, when everything else seems to fall off, I find comfort in working.

So the studio recently has been a lovely haven of mania.  I am back at it with another Architect’s Daughter.  This may be the most ambitious of all- perhaps not in size but in trussed density.  It feels good to work on this one (although burnout rate is 2.5 hours max and then I need to move onto to something else).  I don’t know what it is about me that enjoys compulsive, borderline obsessive, work.  I love to knit and I do many commissions that involve mosaic….. (check out the most recent project http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmqjoJtlp18 and don’t mind about how hot I looked.  It was over 90 degrees during the project but I digress).

I guess it could relate back to sleeping- I seem to find comfort in working.  I feel good about it.  And I often think I need to work harder (like now).  Why is that?  Perhaps the sense of accomplishment it brings.  Perhaps it’s the thing that I know for certain will always be there.  Perhaps it’s because I am not where I think I should be yet.  That’s a hard pill to swallow as I try to allow myself to accept that where I am in exactly where I need to be.

ps. I know the blog posts have slowed down however I’m working on upping my profile in the social networking world.  I will still be a dedicated blogger but if you want up the the minute knowledge of what I am doing RIGHT NOW, follow me on Twitter or maybe even friend me on Facebook.  I’m sure I will be talking about things in addition to the studio, like cupcakes and butterflies.  As I get more advanced, I can’t wait to Twitpic with up to the second studio progress and all things lovely.  Wouldn’t you like to know about that?

Well peeps, It’s been a hectic few weeks and I type to you now with cut up arms and hands and grout underneath my fingernails.  You see, readers, I have been sweating it out for the past almost 3 weeks mosaic-ing large concrete planters to permanently adorn 7th Street in Allentown.  This grueling commission rustled up 15 kids from the ages of 11 to 15 and included a trusty team of daily volunteers (mostly rounded up by my trusty assistant, Kelly) to complete the task at hand.  I am proud to report that the planters are complete and moving to the forever homes tomorrow.  I’ll post pictures as soon as I have some…. it seems grout and cameras don’t mix.

Other news is that last Friday I debuted a new installation entitled ‘A pendulum swings’ at First Friday (pictured above).  A week ago today, was the beginning of my long stint of “all work and no sleep.”  Although the installation had some issues (what installation doesn’t), I felt like I was in the Creative Olympics where I had to just figure out how to pull things together, especially with extremely limited funds and time to execute the piece.  All in all, it was a *very* new approach that I am about 85% happy with.  The nice thing is that in situations like this where I am trying a new approach- Banana Factory is happy to be the incubation place.  And for that 15% that I know could be better- well, there’s always next time and now I know.  I gearing up for a huge fancy sparkly installation for the ‘More Serious Business’ Exhibit that opens in September.  I have to get my game on because this show is pretty fancy pants.  Lots of hardcore artists are a part of it and I am honored to be included.  More to come on that as it gets closer….

But the BIGGEST news is that “Architect’s Daughter” is out on vacation with “Beside Her.”  After building one of the biggest boxes known to man, they are visiting Waco, Texas as a part of the exhibition, “Self” at the Croft Art Gallery.  I was so thrilled to be a part of the show.  It was curated by Aaron Sacco, animator for Linklater’s ‘A Scanner Darkly” and sponsored by the Friends of Jung Society.  OK- so after all that name dropping, here’s the really big news….. Architect’s Daughter won Best in Show!  I’m saving up to fly to Waco next year for my solo show.  Check them out (www.croftartgallery.com)…. it looks like a *gorgeous* space.  And if you are reading from Waco, maybe you should tell me how gorgeous it is!!  I couldn’t be more jazzed!!

Also in new news, I was juried into InLiquid, a non-profit organization in Philadelphia.  This is a networking site that is primarily the goto site for galleries, curators and other artists in the region.  I’m super psyched to be a part of it.  It sponsors many of the the happening and innovative shows of our region.  I am READY to show there so bring it, Philly.

So there you go, folks….. I feel like there could be a little spark igniting and that’s not just the heat outside :)

Maira Kalman- click to view her TED talk.

I came home tonight to finish the last grant I have to write for now but I was sidetracked with TED talks.   If you don’t already know, TED talks are wonderful 20 minute lectures given by scientists, artists of all kinds, technological entrepreneurs, business people etc. typically about aspects of creativity.  If you haven’t seen them, you should check them out.  I just watched one given by Maira Kalman.  She is a New Yorker illustrator and a self professed dreamer.

I think what I truly love from this lecture was the statement that “she doesn’t know anything.”  She went to college to be a writer (however did much knitting).  She began to draw on the whim of “how hard can it be.”  What I love about artmaking is that really…. how hard is it?  I think I can easily rattle around a studio and make pretty things and be done with it.  It’s not hard but I do find that I can make it hard.  Really hard.  I think often we can get in our own way.  She suggests the more you know, the more restricted you become.  There is a sense of truth in that.  Like I’ve said in the past, I’m a trained metalsmith…. perhaps I should suggest that I am a recovering metalsmith.  I often would dismiss ideas that I couldn’t  convey in metal.  Seems strange but for a long time I thought that way and it only took the possibility of not being able to make ANYTHING to snap out of it.  Kalman doesn’t suggest to drop out of school and run from education- I think Kalman’s point is to lose the boundaries we place on ourselves.  We can learn from more than school- allow life things to inform what we do professionally as well and to not pat myself on the back too much, I do think I am professional at that.

I have talked with Karla about this in the past.  I have felt that I have spent much of my post-metalsmith career “catching up” with my colleagues.  I sometimes feel I should have a wider vocabulary, keener eye.  I always think I should be better.  What I love about her talk is that one should value not knowing anything.  Not knowing anything allows you to be the most creative.  But I think what this really is about is the “bogging down” that we do.  People often dismiss understanding art.  They are intimidated by the gallery atomosphere and are mystified by the visual vocabulary.  And often it’s very simple and rather accessible if one just gets out of their own way to see it.  There is a common thread here and it’s outside of the “training” one has to make art.  It is a means of communication one human to another.  It’s as simple as that.  And often time I believe I get into the studio and I bog myself down with what I am doing there.  When really, how could I not know?  It’s as simple as I sit here and write and I don’t need to overthink it (as I have been lately).

Kalman asks “how do we know when we are ourselves?  How do we know that is true?”  Huge question.  And she takes us around a humorous string of visual thoughts informed by her heritage and education.  Surely that informs us however can we really say that is who we are?  We can wander down that road and stop there (and many do) but many know there is more to us than that.  So when do we know….

Creativity, I think, is a clue.  One can’t be taught creativity- one can either invite it to flourish or repress that it’s there.  We can talk ourselves out of anything.  We can make excuses about “why” we can’t do it (we don’t know how, we don’t understand, we don’t have time, we don’t have what we need).  But I think allowing creativity is the key to knowing ourselves.

She simply states “Ich habe genug (From a Bach cantata- she translates this, so watch the link)…. I happen to be alive.  End of discussion.”

PS.  I also watched a talk given by Gary Vaynerchuk and despite the f bombed soaked ‘do what you love’ theme- I would like to quote him when he professed what it takes to succeed: “If you love smurfs, smurf it up!”  That and “Domino’s Pizza, bring back the Noid.”
Heather Fun fact #52.  My first job was as a phone girl for Domino’s Pizza and for extra money, I dressed up as the Noid for birthday parties and publicity events.   Yup, red spandex.

So peeps, as I still continue to figure things out in the studio and endlessly search for a new apartment, I took today semi-off and watched a dvd a fellow BF artist, Karen Steen lent me.  Before I go on- check her out: www.karensteenfineart.com and while you are at it, please feel free to pick up one of her beautiful drawings for me.  I want one and my birthday is just around the corner :)

But the dvd Karen lent me was called “Who does she think she is?”  It chronicles 6 artists and interviews a number of curators and authors about women in contemporary art.  When I first started watching it, I was afraid it was going to be hokey, “find your inner goddess” stuff but I sunk into it and found that many of the women depicted have had similar experiences as myself.  I think I mentioned during this past fall when I saw Judy Chicago, that she made a strong statement that women artists “can’t have it all.”  This is a statement that many women, when hearing it, felt rather conflicted about.  Her statement was directed towards being a mother and being taken seriously as an artist.  I guess perceptions are a funny thing.  And so much rides on the image we create of ourselves….. I remember in grad school, we were told that if you want a career as an artist never EVER take a job as an art teacher below college.  Thank god, I never have wanted to do that (aside from community programs that are fun to do from time to time).  But I remember this statement so clearly that it would be “career suicide” as one professor put it.  They implied that being an art teacher will discredit your as a professor and a professional artist.  So there you go- this piece of advice was always a non-issue…. aside from my former inlaws dismay that I do not having a regular paycheck and benefits.  While I would like those things, I certainly like MORE living on my own terms- teaching who I chose and continuing my studio practice.  I think the bigger message here is that part of the game is all about perception.

Anyway…. perceptions aside, i would recommend watching this documentary as a great primer and realistic view of the female challenges of “making it.”  Not only are women under represented in every major museum around the world (less than 13% of museum collections nationwide are women; and of the MOMA’s 399 objects in their permanent collection, 19 are by women…. and yet the majority of students enrolled in MFA programs nationwide are women), women are additionally faced with societal expectations. The subtext of this dvd packaging is “A woman has to choose.  What if she didn’t?”  What if?  My experiences for my short time on this earth is that many people find pursuing my career as selfish, myopic even.  And many ask, “Don’t I want a family?  Don’t I want to be married again?”  and I often feel uncomfortable about these questions…. like what is wrong with me.  As I watched the dvd, one of the artists claimed her husband always accused her that art came first then him.  She confessed that she loved him more than anything and that art is just part of being- two different things.  Yet, her husband left her and sued her for full custody of her three children.  Her career was centered on selling work, therefore unpredictable but she was resourceful and unapologetic about it.  And still, her ex-husband sued her yearly for a plethora of things, seemingly draining her of her financial resources.  And she still made work, because it was all a part of being.  I can relate to that (even though I unfortunately seem disconnected from my work right now).  I think that when you are creative, it’s not necessarily a choice, it’s just something that happens.  My grandmother would sew all through the night- not because she had to, but I think because she couldn’t help herself.

Another aspect of choices is something I have observed with my friends in relationships while working in their career is responsibility.  I watched many of my friends split from their partners while I was in grad school.  They say grad school is a divorce maker for married couples.  I did witness that- long hours, partner feels abandoned and looks for emotional support elsewhere.  My friend made it through grad school only to find out that her husband had been having an affair that continued after she graduated and landed her tenure track job.  She is now divorced.  In this documentary, one of the women also handles a divorce as a result of her pursuit of her career.  Sometimes I’m bitter about circumstances like these.  I mean, I think many relationships really need to earnestly examine a fair displacement of domestic responsibility.  Gone are the days where households can function on one income where the woman can happily explore her domestic goddess-ness.  But I truly think these conventions still stick around.  And I think it’s so alarming for me because I watched my parents negotiate my mother’s pursuit of her career as a non-traditional student for many years.  And it was just normal that we all shared the responsibilities of a household while for the most part, my mother was not the one who happily cooked us dinner like most households.  Actually, she doesn’t even like to cook and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  My observation though is that as a society “old habits die hard”- and I still see many women expected to fulfill ‘women’s work’ while maintaining a career.  And may I be so brazen to say that women are building a career while swimming upstream or while (100 years after the suffrage movement) recognition for what they do is still slim.  Have you realized that many female artists are/were childless?  Judy Chicago spoke to this specifically when I saw her speak.  She actually made it a decision to not be a mother.  She said for her to be taken seriously, she had to.  I sometimes wonder if that is really still true…..  It seems hard for me to believe but then I see how some of my friends children exhaust them.

While in grad school, I was brow beaten to take a stance as  a Feminist.  I denied it for a long time and I sometimes am not sure about the term, as it comes with so much stigma.  But I guess it’s safe to say that my feelings reside with that equality.  It’s safe to say that I guess I never thought about it so much because really, I was raised with that equality.  I have always been around an even disbursal of responsibility.  It’s part of my upbringing.

If you want to check out this dvd and some of the artists that are a part of the dvd, here’s the link: www.whodoesshethinksheis.net

You devout readers are probably wondering where I’ve been….. well, look not further.  Last week, I was basking in the Florida sun without any sight of a tar ball!  It was a beautiful week and quite honestly readers, I didn’t think about the studio, shows, sketchbooks, or grant proposals like I thought I would.  I was lost in a frilly novel allowing myself downtime- something that usually gives me twinges of anxiety.

And after settling back into life in PA, I’m back in the studio sorting through marks, tears, and coiled threads.  I am still trying to chalk this process up to the powers that be for me to make sense of it.  So many times, I am happy to switch my focus and bounce right back into the studio, only to abandon ideas I had while I was too busy to make them.  I think the good ideas are the ones that wait it out until I am ready for some saturated work time.  As I’ve mentioned in the past few posts, I’m in a transition time.  I hate transitions.  They are the hardest times to have.  I think the last big one was while I was in Vermont (which by the way, my super cool VT studio neighbor, Tamara Albaitis debuted her rebuilt website the other day- www.burnthebox.org).  If you were a reader of my blog way back when, you will know how gut wrenching my VT residency was.  Tamara talked me off many ledges and had wise perspective as to what I was actually accomplishing while I was there….. and if you weren’t a reader back then well, take my word for it- I was a mess.  But the great thing about being a mess there- after a concentrated month, I was able to come home, process what just happened to me and a few months later, I busted out the studies that became “Architect’s Daughter.”  So right now, I am trying to not even point myself toward the ledge (I have a third floor studio after all :) and allow this time to be a time to try out the new things.  Quick update- the balloons you saw in the last posting are still sitting there….. I’m afraid they are a victim to a fleeting thought.

Over the past few years I think I have had a bad perspective about approach and process.  I think I have always done well with a solid (or almost solid) plan when I begin a piece.  I thought that was the only way to go.  And on the other hand, I have also found that entering into a piece without clear vision or intent is also really dicey.  So the thing I am beginning to accept as part of the process is studies.  That sounds like an absolutely stupid realization to have at this point of my studio practice but it’s true.  I was interviewed a few years ago and one thing the interviewer picked up on was materiality in my work.  What I use isn’t as important than the effect it creates and that effect can’t really be flushed through without material studies.  During First Fridays, the MOST ASKED question I get is “how did I come up with sugar?”  The viewers interest is typically one of earnest amazement and I am grateful for that but sugar in my work has no other reason except as a means to an end for a visual problem I had.  And this would never be accomplished without studies.  So right now is study time.  Not my favorite (especially with First Friday around the corner) but I know it’s all part of the job.

And the other wonderful observation I’m acknowledging is that I can’t make the present work without the work I have already made.  I realize many ore even most artists are like that but I know my work especially builds on the last.  So how does that not become this weird amorphous blob of a collection.  I proclaim my collections/series as determined by their prominent mark.  So negotiating the marks to converse nicely with each other is somewhat of becoming a translator of a language you don’t really know.  Writing that right now reminds me of being a stranger in a strange land- someone I was last year at this time, while in Spain (can you believe that was a year ago!)

PS.  ”Architect’s Daughter” and “Beside Her” are being shipped out to Waco, Texas for an exhibit entitled “Self” at the Croft Art Gallery.  I’m so psyched!  The show is based on Jungian theory and sponsored by the Friends of Jung Society.  Who knew there would be a show out there tailor made for moi!

Yesterday was my first official day back at the studio.  Yup, my brand spanking new studio- beautifully arranged complete with a new plant.  I got in there ready to work through some ideas I have had the last few weeks.  And these last few weeks I was itching to get in there and make this work.  I should have known better- especially as I described it to Kelly on Friday and I wasn’t seeing the clear picture anymore.  I sat down at my table and started to sort out my ideas visually and the thought of doing one more truss/scaffold-y work thing was so daunting.  I do have some ideas on how to apply that mark in ways I haven’t yet and I think it’s a statement I would like to make and perhaps that statement isn’t the one right now.  Or maybe it was that I couldn’t focus over the Enya playing next door when all I wanted to hear was my own music- but that is the challenge to having a studio in a community space.

So I sat down and I drew.  And everything I drew was contrary to the truss work, in fact it was ovular.  So I found some balloons in my studio and began blowing them up to act as cheap paper molds.  I think before I really go any further with this thought, I need to think about it more but I do treat this idea as having an idea.  And I feel comfort in the fact that I have something to work with and I know myself well enough to know that while I work, things start to make sense- so I guess I am doing a little exercise on how to get back into the swing of things and make sense of the forms or marks that have come to me.

In addition, I gave myself a summer assignment.  Actually this is an assignment I give my students so that they develop variations on an idea throughout the semester and work on their sketchbook practice.  I call it the ‘precious object project’ which is a sketchbook assignment.  I’m doing it this summer however instead of my student assignment of filling 5 pages a week in the book- I am filling 2 pages a day until the end of Labor Day.  And if you are lucky enough…. I will show you a few things along the way.  The theme is: self portrait.  I bought a sweet little 6×6 square sketchbook with a cute orange cover to dedicate to this.  I love that I found it.  It’s so cute.

It’s been a hectic past few days here at the homestead…. grades are done; First Friday done; Mother’s Day done (complete with an Iggy surprise!).  I have been wanting to write for a few days- topic rather amorphous but I think I can string it together into something to share with your today.

I have thinking so much about how I think about who I am and the perception of who I am.  I will be frank with you- I had my last day at school last week- a wonderful group of students came to see me off  on my last day when I was supposed to be cleaning out my office and then a few of the same students showered me with gifts in my studio during First Friday and left me cards that honestly are the most flattering and endearing words someone can utter….. and then I step outside myself and think “wait, this is written to ME.  She felt this way about ME.”  I also had beautiful emails written to me after my last class by many of my students that I had this year.  It’s truly unreal.

I think then about some of the other validations I have had in my life- Lily  and her depiction that I fly the world in a helicopter teaching old kids how to draw bananas; some of the most generous letters written on my behalf during my failed job search- and yet I also have weird little perceptions that people make about me by viewing my artwork alone.  A friend once told me that a friend of his confessed that my work has intense and dark.  I often have people remark in my studio that I must have great dreams or do some great drugs, or must be really messed up.  Another comment I often get is that “You just look so happy- how can this work come from you?”

I am happy, very happy in fact.  That doesn’t mean that I’m not confused or disappointed about certain aspects of my life, but that is absolutely natural.  I think my work operates in this vicinity of questions and answers.  And the questions I ask, are perhaps questions that some people do not want face- or they just don’t care to ask and that’s ok, they don’t have to (but I’d prefer not to be judged because I do ask them).

I have thought a lot about why I teach.  My students know that teaching wasn’t really a natural fit for me and what they don’t know is how hard I need to work at it to be able to do it.  It’s one thing to know information- it’s another to convey it in a way they understand and yet another to get them interested about it.  All of this while not throwing up (HA!).  But the biggest lesson that is never formally addressed in my class is that I am trying to allow them to begin to see who they are and how they fit into this world.  I try very very hard never make assumptions about what they should be doing and be a catalyst for them to figure out what they want.  I know I am not definitive sometimes with answers and I know I allow them to mess up and sometimes it’s a trick for me to know how deep I should allow them to get in…. and I see them reap the benefits.

With this many facets my life has, I think it’s important to acknowledge that the roles I am a part of are all very much me and we all are a three ring circus of emotional negotiations but the best we can do is to make decisions we best know how to make at the time.  And perhaps own it and not look back.

Why am I writing this- perhaps this is what I wanted to say the last night of classes to my cherished group of students.  Perhaps I am sorting out how I feel about this transitional time.  Perhaps I need to just see how the ripple effect is working.  It’s probably all of those things- I need to hear and understand them as I set out to make the best of things.

ps.  The above image was taken by Lydia Panas for her new series, “Falling from Grace.”  www.lydiapanas.com

I wish I had more time in the day sometimes.  I can’t believe its already close to 8pm.  I’ve been running all day…. it’s all about finals and nothing you’d be excited about.

I’m eagerly anticipating my new work however and tryiing to soldify some thoughts I have about where the new stuff is going.  I’m certainly ready to focus and have these last few things tugging away at me.  I am supposed to be grading right now- but felt the urge to to you instead.

My new work seems to be heavy on the wood and less on the sugar.  Sugar however has been a huge staple in my work now for a long time.  IN my last post I ended while talking about my “ode” pieces.  This was the first time I worked with sugar.  Everyone always asks me how I fell into it.  I did exactly that….. With the “odes”  I was looking to create an effect on the body that was skin-like but also close to looking like the skin cannot contain the body.  I was trying experiments with waxs/encaustic, sands, gel mediums and nothing really had the life that I was looking for.  One day out of desperation, I searched my apartment and grabbed a few things from the kitchen- sugar being one of them and alas! the sugar process was born!!  What helped the sugar cause was that I could get large quantities cheaply and I even found that the cheaper the sugar, the better!  I like the granular quality it has while also picking up the light.  It create a beautiful luminosity that I got with no other medium. 

While creating “skins,”   I was also able to layer the sugar with coffees, teas, and rusts to create an effect that looked deep and almost stone-like.  I was thrilled.  The “Ballad” series is probably the first time I actually really honed the craft of sugar.  I have tried it in other capacities and even at one time, did a little bit with pulled sugar but pulled sugar does not maintain it’s form- a little bit of humidity and you’re done!  So the layered sugar it is……

I have to say the act of allowing myself to work with sugar did not come easy.  As you already know, the wrist injury I had certainly opened some doors.  I do have to say, the work of Anselm Kiefer also did so much for me.  Kiefer works with a ridiculous amount of materials- both traditional and non.  He is rather unapologetic about it’s application and there are even rumors of museum lackies having to re-apply the hay in many of his paintings when they arrive for an exhibition. 

Kiefer’s work has a strong presence.  I went on a trip to DC a few years ago and frankly, I ended up walking off  feeling sorry for myself.  I was disappointed in the work I was seeing that day but then went to the National Gallery.  It had been such a long time since I was there- I never recalled that it had Kiefers.  It actually had an entire room.  I think I spent an hour in this room of five substantial pieces.  It’s quite a moving experience.  He is rather spiritually motivated and that intensity is felt when in the work’s presence.  It nearly vibrates and suggests a soulful detox.  I don’t know that one could get a similiar experience with say, a Warhol.

I know that mixed media is really an accepted process anymore.  In fact, many programs push their students to be more interdisciplinary.  I didn’t come from such a mindset.  My academic pedigree is rather elitist (is that a bad word?).  Both programs I attended preferred that I stay within proper, functional ”craft.”  This “rebellion” during my thesis year in grad school was not well recieved but I am happy that I had such an awakening.  I couldn’t be happier with this openess for experimentation.  I realize that it probably has made my career harder….. academia is also about creating networks, connections.  I went outside of mine, without much support.  My reputation I have essentially built myself- I’m actually kind of proud about that- but at times, think at my age, my career should be far more established than what it is.  I’m nearing 37, folks.  It does freak me out.  

All my images today are of Kiefer….. check him out and if you can, see it all in person.